Montgomery County MD

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Energy Drinks

For reasons that are none of your business, I have recently been sampling every energy drink on the market.  Red Bull. Monster. Rock Star. Red Rain.  They can it, I drink it.  I have arrived at two ineffable conclusions:  1) They taste exactly the same and 2) Their only active ingredient is caffeine.  
 

The options on the energy drink shelves in America’s supermarkets and 7-11 refrigerators is sorely lacking.  We need more of these damn things to choose from.  Here are my product ideas – names and copy ripped right from the side of the can.

Zombie FAQ

Question:  My younger brother Terry worked a job for wages up until February of last year, died in early April, and came back to life sometime between then and June 17, when his wife’s innards were found in the kitchen of the double-wide they owned together.  I’m his executor, and I’m wondering how to file his tax return.  Is Terry: not working for wages in the previous year, disabled, or deceased?  Technically, all of them, or none of them, is true.

Answer:  Request IRS publication UD-1066: Tax Status of the Recently Undead.

Question:  I was at a friend’s wedding when rotting corpses burst into the hall and slaughtered the bride and groom...

Oh yeah, and while we're at it...

...No citizen shall be suffered to endure the proximity of any person or persons operating a Segway or any similar conveyance.  Henceforth, Segways and the smug, helmeted, self-important dipshits they bear, and the resulting faggotry they engender, shall be expressly forbidden from any public thoroughfare. 

The 28th Amendment – The “Congress Shall Make No Law Against any of the Shit Below” Act

Section I


No Person, corporate or individual, shall place, or cause to be placed, any commemorative display, wreath, floral or herbaceous arrangement, nor any stuffed animal, bad poetry or candles at any public site associated with any accident, killing, celebrity mishap or other media-defined tragedy. Nor shall any Person or Persons congregate at such a place for the express purpose of commiserating, weeping, singing, lighting candles, or otherwise contributing further towards the public nuisance arising from the aforementioned tragedy.

The Choptank Meteor

This story is fictitious. It is based entirely on the author’s observations of the indigenous people and their curious mores, folkways and goings on in an anonymous small town that the author made while driving past said town at 75 miles an hour on my way to the beach.

The Choptank River, on the eastern shore of Maryland, flows into the Chesapeake Bay after having been fed by various creeks, rills, rivulets, and open sewers. Near the Chesapeake Bay, the water is salty. Further upriver, it’s 100% marsh gas. It’s cut in several places by roads and a highway that transports cosmopolitan Washingtonians from 50 or so miles to the west to the beaches of Maryland, Delaware and Virginia, 50 or so miles to the east. Various settlements, unknown or forgotten to all but those who are unfortunate enough to live there or are unfortunate enough to run out of gas there, dot the area. One of them was Postum, MD.