The 28th Amendment – The “Congress Shall Make No Law Against any of the Shit Below” Act

Section I


No Person, corporate or individual, shall place, or cause to be placed, any commemorative display, wreath, floral or herbaceous arrangement, nor any stuffed animal, bad poetry or candles at any public site associated with any accident, killing, celebrity mishap or other media-defined tragedy. Nor shall any Person or Persons congregate at such a place for the express purpose of commiserating, weeping, singing, lighting candles, or otherwise contributing further towards the public nuisance arising from the aforementioned tragedy.
Section II

From the date of passage of this Act henceforth into eternity, the ownership, operation, or endorsement of any service, public or private, for the sale at usurious prices of any ice cream or related product from a motor vehicle operated on public streets that involves the aural broadcast of any message, song, ditty, or sonic effect used with intent to draw children and childlike adults from the satisfaction of their enterprises into a frenzied pursuit of said motor vehicle is hereby forbidden and permanently punishable.

Section III

Heretofore and in perpetuity, no individual item of unpackaged produce for sale by any purveyor of said produce, be it vegetable or fruit, will be allowed to have affixed any sticker, label, or other inedible appurtenance bearing SKU # or UPC code. Violations are to be punished by the forced ingestion of said produce complete with the offending sticker or label by the purveyor of such items.

Section IV

We the people declare that no impediment be put to the acquisition of information on the whereabouts, mode of dress, and activities – legal or illegal – of any known American Celebrity, be they living, dead, or in rehab. The right of absolute access by the American people to the most intimate or trivial fact or factoid of celebrity behavior, however prurient or salacious, shall henceforth be guaranteed by unfettering the paparazzi, allowing them to pursue, question and unflatteringly photograph any and all American Celebrities and any and all of their family members or acquaintances. The paparazzo may employ whatever means deemed necessary to accomplish their God-given mission, including high speed car chases, hidden cameras, and hospital room invasion.