Self Help 1

It may be apocryphal, but I’m guessing it probably happened: woman in chain bookstore overhears this exchange between clueless shopper and uninterested clerk.

Shopper: “I’m looking for a book by that French guy, you know the one they made a musical out of? ‘Les Miserable’ or something?”

Clerk: “Try Self-Help.”

I can’t remember where I read this; it was years ago, but it has stayed with me because it works on so many levels. First, the mispronunciation. Then, the clerk’s belief that someone might actually write a self-help book entitled “Less Miserable.” Not something like “How to be Very Happy Right Now!” but “How to be Less Miserable Eventually.”

Career Opportunities

So your high school occupational aptitude test said your were best suited to be a toilet bowl brush? Don’t despair, this is the roaring aughties – today’s economy is busting open with entry level opportunity. In China. But check out the following up and coming occupations, to be occupied right here in America’s hottest metropolitan markets, by Americans. The position’s incumbent? You!

Drive-Through Photo Lab Attendant

The machine is down. You look like a dorkwad in your little hut. The nearest bathroom is in the McDonald’s at the other end of the parking lot, and if you close for even five minutes, that will be when the regional jerkwad will come and take away all of your Service Stars for the month. And so what – it’s not like anybody ever drops off a stinking roll of film. Hasn’t this company heard of the Internet??? That’s why this is an excellent turnkey franchise opportunity: your very own drive-through marijuana dealership.

Serial Rapist

Crime pays! But it’s the intense psychosexual gratification that keeps today’s serial rapist on the job. Says Roger S., grandmother-rapist for 24 years (with a six-year sabbatical for an unrelated breaking-and-entering beef): “there’s not as much money in the robbery and carjacking sidelines of serial rape as you might think – it’s in the endorsements, really – and the variable hours can make a rewarding home life difficult. But I wouldn’t trade my stocking mask for a desk job – never!”

Bottle Cap Collector

Dahlia R. is always on the job – and loving every moment! “You can send them in somewhere for cool prizes. And they make good boats.” Dahlia has apprenticed and worked at her trade for nearly a third of her nine year old life. Her personal collection of caps is spread throughout her parents’ home. They can be found in the laundry, under sofa cushions, in the dog food bin. “In some of them, they still smell like Coke. If you’re real hungry or thirsty, and you have enough, you could probably keep alive by licking them until your mom brought you something to eat and drink.”

Focus Group Moderator

Americans love to talk. You can’t get them to shut up! And when it comes to learning how to sell shit to them, American companies will pay to listen. Here’s where you come in: Put 3 to 4 Senior Exec VP’s behind a one-way mirror, put 8 to 12 homemakers in front of that mirror, get them bitches talking fabric softener, and watch the money roll in!