Energy Drinks

For reasons that are none of your business, I have recently been sampling every energy drink on the market.  Red Bull. Monster. Rock Star. Red Rain.  They can it, I drink it.  I have arrived at two ineffable conclusions:  1) They taste exactly the same and 2) Their only active ingredient is caffeine.  
 

The options on the energy drink shelves in America’s supermarkets and 7-11 refrigerators is sorely lacking.  We need more of these damn things to choose from.  Here are my product ideas – names and copy ripped right from the side of the can.

Health Code Violation

“Chinatown __________, __________ Street. Closed Jan. 7 for gross unsanitary occurrences, including vermin and failure to minimize insects, rodents and other pest. [sic] Reopened last Thursday” - Citation issued to a restaurant I unknowingly patronized one week earlier.

Deconstruction of health code violation citations is my specialty. Let me break it down for you:

“gross unsanitary occurrences” – this is the worst possible thing that can happen in a restaurant short of “instances of mass cannibalism.” The Department of Health reserves this label for “occurrences” such as the introduction of human fecal matter to hors’ d’oeuvres and mixed drinks, putrefying and maggot-infested headless corpse on food preparation surfaces, and the use of “potted meat food product” in meals prepared for human consumption.

“failure to minimize insects, rodents…” – This indicates that actually eliminating vermin is no longer an option. “Failure to minimize” means, essentially, that the insects and rodents are multiplying exponentially and have won control of the restaurant. The staff is unable to reverse their majority share in, and eventual sole ownership of the establishment and its franchise rights. When this sort of thing happens, it’s very sad. It suggests that human restaurateurs have given up on the concept of exterminating vermin, and the best we can hope for is some kind of power-sharing arrangement, two party system, or some Disney-like coexistence with talking vermin as business partners.

“other pest[s]” – what, you may ask, other pests besides vermin, insects and rodents could there possibly be? In addition to drunken customers and pesky kitchen equipment salesmen, two-legged pests might include intruders from the bum-infested alley behind the restaurant.

“Reopened last Thursday” – Pack your bags, kids! Your daddy the health inspector is taking you all to Disneyland, care of Chinatown _________!

Ten Second Gourmet – Cooking with Wine

From the recipe box of Dr. Porker:

Before you even crack the "Joy of Cooking" to find some outrageously implausible recipe, uncork a cheap but sturdy Beaujolais. You'll find it refreshing and amusing.

While you look at the pictures on how to dress wild game, which has nothing to do with the mac and cheese you are actually going to make, move on to the Costco-sized bottle of 2007 Pinot Noir from the Pennsylvania coast.

Drink directly from the Chardonnay box wine spigot to cool off while grating the cheese.

Always sip tawny port from plastic children's Ronald MacDonald glasses during any kind of sautéing.

As things truly begin to degenerate, decant that old bottle of Claret you were saving to celebrate the promotion you never got. Finding it long gone corky, and with the nose of an old dead whore, splash liberally into the unidentifiable mess in pan to see what nuance that will add.

Declare evening a smashed success.