Zombie FAQ

Question:  My younger brother Terry worked a job for wages up until February of last year, died in early April, and came back to life sometime between then and June 17, when his wife’s innards were found in the kitchen of the double-wide they owned together.  I’m his executor, and I’m wondering how to file his tax return.  Is Terry: not working for wages in the previous year, disabled, or deceased?  Technically, all of them, or none of them, is true.

Answer:  Request IRS publication UD-1066: Tax Status of the Recently Undead.

Question:  I was at a friend’s wedding when rotting corpses burst into the hall and slaughtered the bride and groom...

...most of the wedding party, and a fair number of the guests.   I had already placed the wedding present (a rather expensive Tiffany vase) I had brought on a table with the other gifts.  Since the marriage was off, I took my present with me as I was fleeing the scene.  By my quick scan, none of the bride’s or the groom’s immediate next of kin had survived.  However, one of the groom’s cousins later admonished me and said what I had done was gauche in the extreme.  I don’t see why a survivor outside of the wedding party, regardless of his putative status as heir, should accept my gift on behalf of someone who doesn’t exist, live or dead (the wedding couple was entirely consumed and hence no reanimation).

 Answer:  A gift, once given, is no longer yours to take back.  Despite the fact that the intended recipients were in the throes of death while you were still walking back to your seat, any gifts should inure to the party who is next in line to assume the inheritance, until that party is eaten in turn, and so on.

Question:  If Jerry Lewis went up against Dick Clark, who would win?

 

Answer: Zombiehood has not been kind to Dick Clark.  He’s decayed a lot more than Lewis; he would get his ass kicked.

Question:  My neighbor is piling the zombies he dispatches right on our property line next to my house.  I have to look at a big stack of fucked up zombies right outside my kitchen window.  I’ve said he should bury them like everybody else does, but he says they’ve already been buried once and he’s not responsible for burying them again – he says their families should be doing that.  But there’s no way they can be identified now anyway.  Who’s right?

Answer:  If you’re really serious about pursuing this, you’ll need the professional services of a real estate attorney.  But my advice is to go over there and strike a deal – you can both go in halves on the cost of a monthly zombie pickup service for both your homes.