Lawn Mower Scalps Woman During Birthday Party

“Lawn Mower Scalps Woman During Birthday Party”- CNN Online, dateline: recent past.

You need to read this article, and you need to read it right now. So stop what you’re doing, kill your way to a computer if need be, search every archive, and find this article.

Because mark my words, one Saturday, you'll be lying there in the grass, looking up at the puffy clouds, just enjoying your mai-tai at your toddler’s birthday party, when you’ll hear…the distant sound of a lawnmower. You won’t think anything of it at first, just another weekend sound of suburbia. But it won’t go away, in fact it will get louder.

And as the delighted screams of pinata-bashing children are drowned out by the roaring engine, then, my friend, then you'll remember this instructive tale and leap out of inaction and save yourself. You’ll stand up, and the lawnmower, pushed by a 5 year-old, will pass over the same patch of grass where your pineapple lay only seconds before. The same patch of grass where you subsequently put your left foot. You’ll lose a few toes, possibly the whole foot, but you’ll still be alive. Alive! And still able to spank the living shit out of that 5 year-old.

The same 5 year-old who minutes before stole his uncle’s pickup truck and drove it 10 miles to get to the party, even though he couldn’t see over the dashboard. Which you also could have read all about in CNN Online. But you didn’t read that one. Hence, no left foot. But hey, at least you’ve still got your hair, Goldilocks.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. It was “Go-Cart Scalps Woman During Birthday Party.” Well, never mind. However, if you happen to be at a birthday party and you hear, off in the distance, some toddler driving a go-cart...